Waking from Waiting

I’m seventy-two years old, white-haired and retired. Not long ago, I had a quiet epiphany when I was surprised by the realization that I’ve spent a good part of my life waiting.

Waiting for what? That’s a little harder to identify or to admit. But what it really comes down to is waiting to not be afraid.

It’s not that I’ve spent my life cowering in a corner. In my early twenties, I hitchhiked around the country, entrusting my progress and safety to the benevolence of complete strangers. Forty-seven years ago, I told a young woman that I loved her, and we’re still together. I’ve ridden my bicycle tens of thousands of miles across multiple states, over open prairie, mountain passes, interstate highways and city streets with absolute delight, and still enjoy doing so.

But more often than I like to admit, I’ve avoided new things that are outside my comfort zone, or working hard at things that don’t come easily… to avoid the risk of failing or looking foolish. In a way, it’s a kind of intentional sleepwalking: Turning away in order not to have to face a situation that might make me uncomfortable.

So I’ve waited—for more courage I guess, or for other, less intimidating opportunities to come. And life is full of opportunities.

But now, after all these years, I’m changing my relationship with fear and my old habit of trying to wait it out. I’m waking up to another possibility.

Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF) is a process developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, based on the earlier work of philosopher and therapist, Eugene Gendlin. It takes a radically different approach to change, growth and healing.

Rather than try to fix, repair, advise, chastise, wait out or otherwise overcome our inner demons and wounds, IRF turns toward them with curiosity, compassion and acceptance. And then it listens. Because the parts of us who are lost or confused, hurt or frightened, angry or sad are all yearning to be acknowledged, heard and understood.

This simple act of listening… without agenda or judgment… becomes a transformative healing process. We begin to cultivate an entirely new inner relationship with all of what makes us who we are. Through this deep, empathic listening, we create the environment where change can unfold, where life that has been held in check or locked in painful past experiences can begin to release and move forward again.

Rather than waiting (i.e., avoiding), now I can turn toward something in me that’s afraid of failing or looking foolish and say hello to it. And then sit and listen to what it has to say. Just writing those words causes my body to heave a long sigh of relief.

Gentle and self-reclaiming, Inner Relationship Focusing invites us to experience living as an affirming, life-forward process. It’s not that painful or uncomfortable experiences and feelings don’t still come. They do, of course. But we no longer have to try to tuck them away in a corner, lock them away in a sealed room or, at all costs, hide them from public view.

The truth is, pain ignored never really stays hidden. It keeps coming back, keeps crying out until we do something about it. If you’re like me, and have found that willpower or scolding or pleading or any number of “do-ings” don’t really do the trick, you might try listening. Your body and all those parts inside waiting to be heard might surprise you.

To learn more about Inner Relationship Focusing, visit Ann Weiser Cornell’s website, www.FocusingResources.com.